The amout of emotions that just one day can encompass is exhausting. Today, in a mere three hours, I have gone from excited, to confident, to thankful, to frustrated, and now to morose. Take it as a sign that I am very much alive? My bed beckons me to come escape this moment, but I know chances are slim that I'll wake up again and be cured of this unwelcome sadness. I feel like I don't necessarily have anything groundbreaking or important to write, but this is my attempt to overthrow this bad mood by means other than my usual prescription of sleep. Ohh how I wish my cells and neurons fired and worked as they are supposed to. This chemical imbalance bs is quite the burden. Maybe I should become a noetic scientist so I can think them into working properly! Or is that just one big paradox? (I had to look that word up. Been trying to remember it for over a week now. Thank you, google!! Lesson of the day: a paradox is like an oxymoron, except an oxymoron pairs two contradicting words side by side. I.E. sweet sorrow. You're welcome.)
I do have a great deal to be thankful for, solely based on today. I have healthy foods awaiting the slightest stomach growl, my parents paid for my car's oil chance and trunk repair as only a part of my birthday present, and I only have to work a relatively low stress shift at work tonight, where I will end up with more money than I had yesterday AND will put me just two more shifts away from retirement from serving burgers and infinite diet cokes. Yes, infinite. That's how many diet cokes Americans demand. But it's okay! Because it's diet. What shrewd marketing. I even heard from someone today that said things I've been yearning to hear, temporarily boosting my confidence and hope ten fold.
I suppose I could read a book to wait out this mood slump. Too bad the "comical" book I purchased has me more concerned for children with inadequate parents and fills my heart with grief, as opposed to the actual goal of laughter and eye rolls. I just might be a little too sensitive.
Despite this annoying mood, my light at the end of the tunnel that is the month of June is almost here! My friend is flying down to the desert (mid summer, too! Such heroic dedication) for an entire week of shenanigans. She gets in Saturday night, and from that minute on, my life will be nonstop adventure for two solid months. Hopefully more follows. This next declaration may seem a tad over the top, bold, or overly confident, but I promise it to be an understatement. My friends are the best people this world has ever produced. I'm not saying they're the only people to fit in that hefty category, but they are certainly included in it. Time and time again, they prove in small or large ways, how to love and care for others. They are role models everyone should follow. I could write a million blogs on examples, but I'll just go with the one most pertinent to this post. Kate, who I never knew as someone to want a job, then keep it, then work hard at it, is busting her butt in two jobs right now. When one of her places of work temporarily shut down, she made up for the hours by selling clothes, donating plasma, and pinching pennies like they've never been pinched. Why is she working SO hard? To afford a visit to hellishly hot Arizona for her friend's birthday. The minute I confided that I forsaw having to spend my 21 Run alone or with a couple family members only, she put the gears in motion to make sure I had the best birthday in 21 years. She hasn't even arrived yet, but I'm already having the time of my life just planning our week together. My friends are the BEST.
I will be spending the next two nights in my apartment, as opposed to my parent's condo, and I admit I'm nervous. Like I made known previously, I need to be around others. I've lined up projects and tasks to fill my time while I'm there, and now just to pray for the motivation and willpower to do them. If all else fails, So You Think You Can Dance is long, inspiring, and always a good time.
To whoever reads these entries, thank you for your greatly appreciated feedback. I hope they at least mildly entertain :)
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Monday, June 20, 2011
Serenity
I have never been "good at" being alone. As valuable as "me time" is, being around people is much, much more valuable to me. I've been living alone for six months now, and I am more than ready to have roommates again-Even if those roommates are my family members. I was told everyone needs to live alone at some point in their life, and I do agree. I was challenged in new ways, and learned things about myself that would still be unknown otherwise. Lessons behind me, I cannot wait to come home to the opposite of a hot, empty apartment with scary neighbors. Amidst all the lonely and sad nights that have unwelcomely embraced me, alas a night of peace and calm. With my warm tea, soft music, and mellow ruminations, I am able to enjoy the winding down of a pleasant day. I was blessed with good company and tear-ignited laughter today. Who knew inflatable pool toys and young women unafraid of looking goofy and taking chances would produce so much joy?
As I take on the mountainous challenge of independence after a year and a half of relationship engulfment, I am proud-and quite frankly surprised-at my ability to actually be climbing up that mountain already. I have sought advice from those I look up to, let myself be sad, and above all mustered up resilience to rise to the top. I am even beginning to be thankful for this road bump. It comes in small waves, but it's a start.
I wrote a letter of which the subject may never even read, but oh the release from simply writing! It seems as if a fire has been lit...
With everything in me, I will make this week productive, positive, and it WILL fly by. Once Friday ends, it will be nothing but adventures, excitement, and learning. None of which I know how to prepare or what to expect. Just what I need. The ultimate challenge for a [self-diagnosed] OCD planner: line up months of grand adventures in unknown territories (physically and figuratively) with absolute minimal information given. I have complained and complained about it, but now I am ready to accept the challenge. Bring it.
I know falling asleep will still be a challenge, as will getting out of bed tomorrow and the next day. But God continues to provide comfort, encouragement, and courage that will always carry me through. Now to practice the daunting exercise of meditation to my rain sounds app.
There will always be better days. Today is the reminder I needed. Here's to tomorrow being even better (This self-motivating pep talk is just the first step).
As I take on the mountainous challenge of independence after a year and a half of relationship engulfment, I am proud-and quite frankly surprised-at my ability to actually be climbing up that mountain already. I have sought advice from those I look up to, let myself be sad, and above all mustered up resilience to rise to the top. I am even beginning to be thankful for this road bump. It comes in small waves, but it's a start.
I wrote a letter of which the subject may never even read, but oh the release from simply writing! It seems as if a fire has been lit...
With everything in me, I will make this week productive, positive, and it WILL fly by. Once Friday ends, it will be nothing but adventures, excitement, and learning. None of which I know how to prepare or what to expect. Just what I need. The ultimate challenge for a [self-diagnosed] OCD planner: line up months of grand adventures in unknown territories (physically and figuratively) with absolute minimal information given. I have complained and complained about it, but now I am ready to accept the challenge. Bring it.
I know falling asleep will still be a challenge, as will getting out of bed tomorrow and the next day. But God continues to provide comfort, encouragement, and courage that will always carry me through. Now to practice the daunting exercise of meditation to my rain sounds app.
There will always be better days. Today is the reminder I needed. Here's to tomorrow being even better (This self-motivating pep talk is just the first step).
Sunday, June 19, 2011
I'm back.
It has been about a year since writing on here. As someone who has always enjoyed leisurely writing, this is a big deal. Now that I have the time/made the time for such an activity, it's taken me far too long to know how to even begin. I'm not on an epic backpacking trip across multiple countries, so knowing where to begin is just a little more challenging. However, I have had way, WAY too much bottled up that even though i just got off an 8.5 hour grueling shift and have to wake up to begin my next day in just a few short hours, I. Must. Write. On the half hour drive on the empty freeway home, I finally knew how to begin writing again. Some people are able to just jump right in and "just start writing", but I am a planner to the full extent. So, here's to finally "getting back on that horse". I'm feeling uplifted already.
It is beautiful-the peace and clear minded thoughts that flood the mind and soul while driving long distances with soft music. I always anticipate the ride to be lonely and monotonous, but once I get out on the road and start up that thought-provoking and soothing playlist, I don't want it to end. I may not have a place to go sit and listen to the waves lap the shoreline with the consistency of which I deeply yearn, but long, late drives are a sensible second choice. While driving, I am still but not stagnant. I am alone, but surrounded and engulfed by the melodies and lyrics that make me miss contemporary dancing, and just move me unlike anything else can. I am on my way to a destination, but able to be nowhere. Just for a little while. I am thankful for these drives.
Now to finally get to my main point of this post. What I realized and snowballed ideas off of with more and more clarity--and uncertainty. I'm tearing at my nails just trying to organize and remember everything I just considered. The point is this-I really do not know nearly as much as I confidently believed I did. Not a groundbreaking and new thought in the slightest, but I'll explain. Like the story of any and every individual, I have grown and developed in character, personality, opinion, confidence, and intelligence. Due to my continuous moving around to over 20 homes in just my 20 years of life, my growing process was accelerated faster than "average". On top of that, I have always been an incredibly, admittedly overly deep thinker. Introspection is my specialty and psychoanalysis is my passtime. Always has been, My entire life has been a desperately driven race to understand more and more. The whys about nature, people, relationships, the world, the weather, academics, faiths, friends, issues and negatives, as well as the positives and good things. Over this past school year, I felt as if I had finally undergone an epiphany and had all the [possible] answers. Finally! I had the utmost confidence in who I was and every detail to explain why, the same for any and all types of people, and I even knew the answer to life itself. I finally reached the top of that mountain and was so very satisfied. I'm not saying I was totally off here-I do have a very, very deep understanding of myself and pretty deep of others too. And now that I have realized so much about the world and how to live in it, the same answer continues to pop up everywhere I turn. This being said, I decided now that I know who I am and am content about it, I have to practice dealing with myself. I'm past the seeking, molding, and uncertainties, and ready to apply what I know in order to embrace my full potential. It really sounds like I'm set, doesn't it? Life should be a breeze and my shoulders should be free from worry. But..if this is the case, then why am I still so unhappy? Once again, the introspective self-analyzing overtook my conscience as I clawed for answers. Now, tonight, through the realization that I know and understand far, far less than I confidently thought I knew, I actually understand just a little more. Clouds are slowly being lifted.
1. I am not a type of person who flourishes in a desert terrain. Arizona is not for me and never will be. But...where DO I belong? Where in this world is my comfort zone of peace and happiness? I actually do not know yet. (But I have a solid start in figuring that out)
2. I know my "calling" or "purpose" is to teach. I am a nurturer who has the heart and intelligence to raise young minds to flourish. But...how do I actually prepare? How do I actually accomplish the outlandish and inhuman goals/tasks that are ordered? What WILL I do when I fail (In my eyes)? How will I make sure not to lose myself entirely in my job? How...do I be a successful educator?
3. On a more basic level, I know what hobbies make me smile and what clothing styles make me feel priceless. But...who's to say these won't change in five years? It will all be totally unknown to anyone for five years.
4. I know the types of relationships I want, and I know the type of relational friend, etc. that I want to be to others. But...when will what I want/need/deserve actually happen? What chances do I take and which ones do I dismiss? (not EVERY single chance can be taken) How long until I can give as much as I naturally always do, without giving too much so it becomes detrimental and unhealthy to myself? Where, oh where can I find this happy medium?
5. I know everything happens for some reason. But...when do I take action and when do I let it be?
6. Finally, I know I am special and important to others. I know I am loved and I know I am prayed for. But....when will I actually BELIEVE this? When will i FEEL special?
These are just the start to my unsettling and melancholy subconscience. At least for now, I realize one thing. Life is not doing its job if it is not hurling unknowns at you without a hint of how to endure and conquer. As much as we study, interpret, research, declare, or understand, life is always going to one-up us and push us down on our asses. As a being of emotions, needs, and decisions, how do I rise above? Or do I just settle with knowing that I will never know enough and must always be prepared for unknowns?
I have lately been mulling over the thought of if it would be better to be naiive and content/happy, or be as insightful as I am and more distressed. Again, where is this happy medium??
As the clock ticks on, I can feel my thoughts becoming even more scattered than normal. I am hoping getting my thoughts out will be much easier now that I've started this patchwork of words and ideas. --That's funny, patchwork prints are my choice patterns right now. Reflection on my current state of mind carrying over to fashion??
Until my next late night drive......
It is beautiful-the peace and clear minded thoughts that flood the mind and soul while driving long distances with soft music. I always anticipate the ride to be lonely and monotonous, but once I get out on the road and start up that thought-provoking and soothing playlist, I don't want it to end. I may not have a place to go sit and listen to the waves lap the shoreline with the consistency of which I deeply yearn, but long, late drives are a sensible second choice. While driving, I am still but not stagnant. I am alone, but surrounded and engulfed by the melodies and lyrics that make me miss contemporary dancing, and just move me unlike anything else can. I am on my way to a destination, but able to be nowhere. Just for a little while. I am thankful for these drives.
Now to finally get to my main point of this post. What I realized and snowballed ideas off of with more and more clarity--and uncertainty. I'm tearing at my nails just trying to organize and remember everything I just considered. The point is this-I really do not know nearly as much as I confidently believed I did. Not a groundbreaking and new thought in the slightest, but I'll explain. Like the story of any and every individual, I have grown and developed in character, personality, opinion, confidence, and intelligence. Due to my continuous moving around to over 20 homes in just my 20 years of life, my growing process was accelerated faster than "average". On top of that, I have always been an incredibly, admittedly overly deep thinker. Introspection is my specialty and psychoanalysis is my passtime. Always has been, My entire life has been a desperately driven race to understand more and more. The whys about nature, people, relationships, the world, the weather, academics, faiths, friends, issues and negatives, as well as the positives and good things. Over this past school year, I felt as if I had finally undergone an epiphany and had all the [possible] answers. Finally! I had the utmost confidence in who I was and every detail to explain why, the same for any and all types of people, and I even knew the answer to life itself. I finally reached the top of that mountain and was so very satisfied. I'm not saying I was totally off here-I do have a very, very deep understanding of myself and pretty deep of others too. And now that I have realized so much about the world and how to live in it, the same answer continues to pop up everywhere I turn. This being said, I decided now that I know who I am and am content about it, I have to practice dealing with myself. I'm past the seeking, molding, and uncertainties, and ready to apply what I know in order to embrace my full potential. It really sounds like I'm set, doesn't it? Life should be a breeze and my shoulders should be free from worry. But..if this is the case, then why am I still so unhappy? Once again, the introspective self-analyzing overtook my conscience as I clawed for answers. Now, tonight, through the realization that I know and understand far, far less than I confidently thought I knew, I actually understand just a little more. Clouds are slowly being lifted.
1. I am not a type of person who flourishes in a desert terrain. Arizona is not for me and never will be. But...where DO I belong? Where in this world is my comfort zone of peace and happiness? I actually do not know yet. (But I have a solid start in figuring that out)
2. I know my "calling" or "purpose" is to teach. I am a nurturer who has the heart and intelligence to raise young minds to flourish. But...how do I actually prepare? How do I actually accomplish the outlandish and inhuman goals/tasks that are ordered? What WILL I do when I fail (In my eyes)? How will I make sure not to lose myself entirely in my job? How...do I be a successful educator?
3. On a more basic level, I know what hobbies make me smile and what clothing styles make me feel priceless. But...who's to say these won't change in five years? It will all be totally unknown to anyone for five years.
4. I know the types of relationships I want, and I know the type of relational friend, etc. that I want to be to others. But...when will what I want/need/deserve actually happen? What chances do I take and which ones do I dismiss? (not EVERY single chance can be taken) How long until I can give as much as I naturally always do, without giving too much so it becomes detrimental and unhealthy to myself? Where, oh where can I find this happy medium?
5. I know everything happens for some reason. But...when do I take action and when do I let it be?
6. Finally, I know I am special and important to others. I know I am loved and I know I am prayed for. But....when will I actually BELIEVE this? When will i FEEL special?
These are just the start to my unsettling and melancholy subconscience. At least for now, I realize one thing. Life is not doing its job if it is not hurling unknowns at you without a hint of how to endure and conquer. As much as we study, interpret, research, declare, or understand, life is always going to one-up us and push us down on our asses. As a being of emotions, needs, and decisions, how do I rise above? Or do I just settle with knowing that I will never know enough and must always be prepared for unknowns?
I have lately been mulling over the thought of if it would be better to be naiive and content/happy, or be as insightful as I am and more distressed. Again, where is this happy medium??
As the clock ticks on, I can feel my thoughts becoming even more scattered than normal. I am hoping getting my thoughts out will be much easier now that I've started this patchwork of words and ideas. --That's funny, patchwork prints are my choice patterns right now. Reflection on my current state of mind carrying over to fashion??
Until my next late night drive......
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