I'm back.

It has been about a year since writing on here. As someone who has always enjoyed leisurely writing, this is a big deal. Now that I have the time/made the time for such an activity, it's taken me far too long to know how to even begin. I'm not on an epic backpacking trip across multiple countries, so knowing where to begin is just a little more challenging. However, I have had way, WAY too much bottled up that even though i just got off an 8.5 hour grueling shift and have to wake up to begin my next day in just a few short hours, I. Must. Write. On the half hour drive on the empty freeway home, I finally knew how to begin writing again. Some people are able to just jump right in and "just start writing", but I am a planner to the full extent. So, here's to finally "getting back on that horse". I'm feeling uplifted already.

It is beautiful-the peace and clear minded thoughts that flood the mind and soul while driving long distances with soft music. I always anticipate the ride to be lonely and monotonous, but once I get out on the road and start up that thought-provoking and soothing playlist, I don't want it to end. I may not have a place to go sit and listen to the waves lap the shoreline with the consistency of which I deeply yearn, but long, late drives are a sensible second choice. While driving, I am still but not stagnant. I am alone, but surrounded and engulfed by the melodies and lyrics that make me miss contemporary dancing, and just move me unlike anything else can. I am on my way to a destination, but able to be nowhere. Just for a little while. I am thankful for these drives.

Now to finally get to my main point of this post. What I realized and snowballed ideas off of with more and more clarity--and uncertainty. I'm tearing at my nails just trying to organize and remember everything I just considered. The point is this-I really do not know nearly as much as I confidently believed I did. Not a groundbreaking and new thought in the slightest, but I'll explain. Like the story of any and every individual, I have grown and developed in character, personality, opinion, confidence, and intelligence. Due to my continuous moving around to over 20 homes in just my 20 years of life, my growing process was accelerated faster than "average". On top of that, I have always been an incredibly, admittedly overly deep thinker. Introspection is my specialty and psychoanalysis is my passtime. Always has been, My entire life has been a desperately driven race to understand more and more. The whys about nature, people, relationships, the world, the weather, academics, faiths, friends, issues and negatives, as well as the positives and good things. Over this past school year, I felt as if I had finally undergone an epiphany and had all the [possible] answers. Finally! I had the utmost confidence in who I was and every detail to explain why, the same for any and all types of people, and I even knew the answer to life itself. I finally reached the top of that mountain and was so very satisfied. I'm not saying I was totally off here-I do have a very, very deep understanding of myself and pretty deep of others too. And now that I have realized so much about the world and how to live in it, the same answer continues to pop up everywhere I turn. This being said, I decided now that I know who I am and am content about it, I have to practice dealing with myself. I'm past the seeking, molding, and uncertainties, and ready to apply what I know in order to embrace my full potential. It really sounds like I'm set, doesn't it? Life should be a breeze and my shoulders should be free from worry. But..if this is the case, then why am I still so unhappy? Once again, the introspective self-analyzing overtook my conscience as I clawed for answers. Now, tonight, through the realization that I know and understand far, far less than I confidently thought I knew, I actually understand just a little more. Clouds are slowly being lifted.
1. I am not a type of person who flourishes in a desert terrain. Arizona is not for me and never will be. But...where DO I belong? Where in this world is my comfort zone of peace and happiness? I actually do not know yet. (But I have a solid start in figuring that out)
2. I know my "calling" or "purpose" is to teach. I am a nurturer who has the heart and intelligence to raise young minds to flourish. But...how do I actually prepare? How do I actually accomplish the outlandish and inhuman goals/tasks that are ordered? What WILL I do when I fail (In my eyes)? How will I make sure not to lose myself entirely in my job? How...do I be a successful educator?
3. On a more basic level, I know what hobbies make me smile and what clothing styles make me feel priceless. But...who's to say these won't change in five years? It will all be totally unknown to anyone for five years.
4. I know the types of relationships I want, and I know the type of relational friend, etc. that I want to be to others. But...when will what I want/need/deserve actually happen? What chances do I take and which ones do I dismiss? (not EVERY single chance can be taken) How long until I can give as much as I naturally always do, without giving too much so it becomes detrimental and unhealthy to myself? Where, oh where can I find this happy medium?
5. I know everything happens for some reason. But...when do I take action and when do I let it be?
6. Finally, I know I am special and important to others. I know I am loved and I know I am prayed for. But....when will I actually BELIEVE this? When will i FEEL special?

These are just the start to my unsettling and melancholy subconscience. At least for now, I realize one thing. Life is not doing its job if it is not hurling unknowns at you without a hint of how to endure and conquer. As much as we study, interpret, research, declare, or understand, life is always going to one-up us and push us down on our asses. As a being of emotions, needs, and decisions, how do I rise above? Or do I just settle with knowing that I will never know enough and must always be prepared for unknowns?

I have lately been mulling over the thought of if it would be better to be naiive and content/happy, or be as insightful as I am and more distressed. Again, where is this happy medium??
As the clock ticks on, I can feel my thoughts becoming even more scattered than normal. I am hoping getting my thoughts out will be much easier now that I've started this patchwork of words and ideas. --That's funny, patchwork prints are my choice patterns right now. Reflection on my current state of mind carrying over to fashion??
Until my next late night drive......