Well, the most logical first topic is an update on my life since the night I landed in Seoul, South Korea. That whole trip could very well be another reason behind my current lack of vocabulary knowledge. Speaking overly simplified English for five weeks wiped out a little too much. I need to start reading one book each week again in order to regain all that lost language. In the mean time, I apologize for the shortage in descriptive words and playful verbage.
Korea--The country I would have never imagined myself traveling to, let alone falling in love with. I went from rejoicing when learning about the trip's existence, to doubting when finding out about the whole game plan and selected group, to anxiety over trying to plan for something with little to no information, to pure excitement/bliss/passion/love/fulfillment once reaching Korea and experiencing a life-changing summer. I was essentially thrown into a disorganized, oftentimes chaotic, and totally foreign environment. Imagine standing in a small, stuffy classroom. Between the tile floor and overall barrenness, even trying to swallow the lump in your throat causes an echo. There you are, looking out at a dozen expectant faces whose unblinking eyes must be causing your sudden hot flashes. To make the situation worse, you only know how to speak a language that is almost entirely foreign to everyone else in the room. Who is your audience? Pre-teens: The age group that demands you to be funny, entertaining, infinitely knowledgeable, and will push your buttons. Now, with all of your rudimentary preparations long forgotten, teach them science. In English. Before the trip, I was experiencing some serious doubts over my career choice. What is the real reason why I feel like I want to be a teacher? Is it to try and mend some childhood scars through other children? Is it selfless or actually selfish? After all, committing so much money and time into a university (or five) to enter a career field with hardly any income, security, or proper acknowledgement must be done under the best of the best intentions. Thanks to my time in the Jeollanamdo English Camps, I am 200% sure I have chosen the BEST job. I definitely surprised myself with what a natural I was at problem solving, creative planning, and improvising..all the time. If I was feeling homesick, exhausted, or ill, the second I walked into MY homeroom with those kids--I was nothing but blissfully grateful. They became my world. I couldn't get enough of them, and thinking about them still gets me choked up. Now to get through graduation and back into a classroom already!
I could, and probably should, write a novel about my Korea experience. But I need to listen to what my mind is currently reeling over, and write about that. It's the best-possibly only-way to organize my thoughts and overcome any emotional obstacles. Tonight's ruminations: how would I define myself now, and how do I fit into my world. I say my world, because as I understand we are all in just one world, each of us kind of has our own version within our minds and thus, our outer lives. It's like a quote I just read in my book: "Every man takes the limits of his own field of vision for the limits of the world."-Schopenhauer. My perception of this is that we each have our own world. They are made and lived in based off of the experiences we have had and the people we have met/been around. We don't entirely realize how this naivete hinders us. Our world, this one small community in which we all play a key role, has so many more gifts and opportunities and insights and adventures than we realize or embrace. So, in a way our individual perceptions and how they were derived separate us, weigh us down, and too often lead to confrontations. I'm so thankful to have realized this, but I am still trapped within my own perceptions. This is probably a large part why I'm so antsy to travel more. Even with each US state, there are different cultures and atmospheres to be learned and experienced. It's all so exciting. I do not have an addictive personality, but I am addicted to traveling. As everyone should be. It only reaps benefits.
The small amount of traveling that I have been fortunate enough to experience has opened my eyes like a newborn. I've long since been knowing of the terms 1st world and 3rd world countries. I have yet to experience these "3rd world" places, but I already am so moved by them. I think my students in Korea connected me to this compassion. They were not to the point of "3rd world", but they were also not living lives like my own. Regardless of only owning a couple shirts and living in a town containing one makeshift grocery store and small apartments for large families, these kids were so full of joy and ambition. I have seen this countless times, actually. Those who really have to work hard and fight for things that more fortunate people are just given..those less fortunate people have more drive and even smile more than those that are "comfortable". Maybe it's because their worlds contain much less naiive perceptions. My Korean students came from so little, but they live like they WILL accomplish any and all of their goals-no matter how lofty. Kids are always the most insightful teachers. So anyway, I have adopted this new mindset that is constantly at least at the back of my mind. When anyone, including myself, complains or expresses any discomfort, I instantly think, "first world problems..." I know saying this out loud can be upsetting and even make me seem pretentious. I promise I don't mean it in that way. I'm simply tired of/feel too guilty for all these minuscule and petty complaints. Yes, when my favorite jeans are dirty or my computer temporarily malfunctions, I get bummed out. But I'm getting better at catching myself and turning it all into something to be actually thankful for. I have more possessions, food, and shelter than one person needs. So if a little pimple or broken camera are causing me distress, then I am more than blessed. The real test is remaining understanding and biting my tongue when people around me complain. But again, we're all locked into whatever our own worlds currently are. I'm excited to instill a passion for lifelong learning and exploring into my students, so their own worlds will grow and grow until they overlap and connect with others in our beautiful community.
Those people worldwide that endure more strain and even suffering than others--they're a lot like these ballet slippers above. Personally, I feel like my optimistic and oftentimes bubbly disposition exists because of hard work and even pain. Ballerinas are so enchanting and beautiful because of how they move, and most importantly, how easy they make it look. My own ballet experience was minimal, but I can confidently declare that it is tough. In order to train your body to move like a ballerina on pointe, your body must endure painful, laborious, work. Their frames must be kept unhealthily frail, their spines must be flexible to the point of near freakish flexibility, and their feet...their poor toes and ankles receive abuse that leaves them constantly bruised and over-strained. All of this sweaty, painful, perfectionist practice to result in angelic, mesmerizing movements. We can all agree, ballerinas are BEAUTIFUL. But take a look behind the scenes and you feel their pain and exhaustion as well. This is a lot like people. Talk to someone who has endured great hardships, and they will be the one to give you the warmest hug, full-bodied smile, and beautiful testimony to their steadfast faith. Why is it that they seem to be so much more alive than us? Maybe because their worlds are that much richer, deeper, meaningful, and real. The most beautiful insights and perceptions are learned not from psychology studies at prestigious universities or that person who's read every self-help book on getting the most out of life. No. This sweet, sweet intellect is learned from those you'd never expect had anything meaningful to share with you. They are the ones we need to listen to. Again, I know I am so fortunate and am not trying to downplay my blessings for pity or attention. But, come to me with a dilemma or hurt feelings, and I will work to make it all right. I am finally thankful (most of the time) for the struggles and misfortunes I've had; They have given me the tools for empathetic perceptions with which I can comfort and help those who ask. When thinking of all the things that have ever happened or continue to happen in our lives on this earth that are upsetting, seem unfair, and might even cause tears, what if we thought this: I am those pointe shoes. Yes, I am not happy because of an unwelcome (but temporary!) addition to my life. But I welcome it! Because it just makes my ballet dance that much more enchanting.
So in as much of a conclusion as I am capable of deriving right now, how do I define myself and how do I fit into my world? Or really, how does my world fit into our world? First, I am a server. Yes, I wait tables. But I'm not talking carrying food trays and filling diet cokes. My heart-my soul-lives to serve others. I do not feel fulfilled unless I am fulfilling someone else's life in a monumental or even an unnoticeable way. I yearn to understand everyone within our world community, and I strongly desire a connection. I have a hunger for learning and growing that gets my heart beating faster, and sharing my attained knowledge is like Christmas. Now, how do I fit? Possibly a better wording is what is my purpose? I read a mini exercise on how to try and figure out your individual and essential meaning to your life.
1. The usual, how would you live your life differently if you knew you were going to die soon?
2. Who do you admire and why?
3. What was the most fun time in your life?
I won't go into my own answers, but they definitely helped me realize my purpose. I am here to commit acts of compassion and love. Despite any worldly obstacles, I will make sure people feel loved and cared for. I will do my dance, ever changing and growing in beauty, and I will get others dancing too.
It's a shame to experience writing that flows so wonderfully, yet seemingly has received no attention. You're words dance down this page ever so beautifully as ballet slippers during a performance. I may be the only person commenting, but with the way these words resonated within me, I am not just an audience of one. These words helped expand my own perception of reality, which in turn, will affect others.
ReplyDeleteReality is an interesting concept, is it not? They way we define our lives is of much interest to me. Life is so subjective, yet so concrete. Either black and white, or very grey. Simple and relaxing, or an uphill battle of survival. Without a doubt, each person's perception varies based upon many variables within their own experience. But to truly love, understand, and be compassionate don't we need to see life in someone else's ballet slippers?
I'm a tad bit jealous of your Korea trip as it seemed like a very eye-opening experience. You came back with answers to questions you hadn't even pondered yet, and this will help you to become a more well rounded individual. But for some of us, how do we get the opportunity to experience life from someone else's view if we are not fortunate enough to travel such as you?
I truly believe that because of this financial limitation, many of us are left to understand the world through our corrupt media, which leaves us in ignorance. If it were not for people as fortunate as you sharing your experiences we'd be left to guess on our own. So thank you!
And your final questions were a great reminder that to truly be able to positively influence the world (and others) you must first figure out who you are and why you are here. I believe that if more people spent time asking those questions, the world could be a much happier place.
~ The Existential Wanderer ;)