Dealing with "major depression" (as was diagnosed) since I was a pre-teen, I have been working on developing a coping skill that actually works for a little too long. After trying quite the spectrum of remedies, my latest beta tactic is too simple: baths. For anyone who has known me for at least the majority of my life, this in itself is a big deal. Before this idea, I could count on one hand how many baths I've taken since I was a young toddler. I considered them boring, uncomfortable, and a waste of time. Several influences are responsible for my relatively recent transition into a more..."new age" disposition? I am nervous to use that term since it really seems to have more negative connotations than positive. But it really does relate to my reformed perceptions, both inter- and intrapersonally. Thanks to books, documentaries, experience in different cultures around the world, even more deep analyses of myself and other humans and animals, and an overall maturity growth, I have pretty much just mellowed out. Even when I am incredibly sleep deprived and spread thinner than saran wrap, I break down into "High-strung Sloane" far less often. This is all thanks to a realization and appreciation of what really matters in my lifetime on this earth. To love, to give, and to spread grace are ideals that I know I must live by; There really is no other way to live and reach any legitimate fulfillment. This has definitely had a positive impact on my depression, but I am frustratingly still not fully cured.
At the very least, I know that I have improved, though. My 'bad spells' no longer last as long as they have in the past, I don't resort to harmful solutions, and I always learn something about myself that I can be proud of in the process. Perhaps the recent hurricane that was my first quarter back in college tipped the scale, but I feel I've reached an appreciation for escaping life into a closed-off bubble of serenity for two minutes to two hours to be extraordinarily wonderful. After reading about and experiencing the benefits of meditation, I yearn to practice it amidst my chaotic and severely overbooked life. I want to take a minute to clarify that I really am not complaining, here. I am the one who chose to sign up for so much, so I am responsible for the fate that was this last school quarter. I am only explaining that I averaged two hours of sleep a night to better describe my recent affinity with meditation. My body has made it clear that it needs time to close off and physically, spiritually, and cognitively reboot. Therefore, I have been taking baths.
A few days ago I was experiencing one of my 'bad spells'. After reminding myself for the quadrillionth time that my mood is my own choice, I opted to take a bath and hopefully clear up my inner rollercoaster. Talking myself through the coping process, I decided this time I was going to let myself be sad. My plan was to let out everything that was making me want to cry or punch a wall, and then figure out what to do to improve my state of mind. While watching the water pour out of the faucet, metaphors instantly filled my thoughts. My relationships, and probably even other aspects of my life, are just like a bath! I'll explain. First, the water rushes out with such intensity in its flow that it's clear that every water droplet is in a hurry. As I lay there, I am not comfortable. But the water is fast to fix that, warming me with a comfort that I cannot help but need more of. When the bath is full, I turn the water off; No longer in need of any more rushing droplets to warm and comfort me. For a few long moments, I am fully content. My body feels weightless and free yet engulfed and warm, and my thoughts are free to be at peace. I realize I am taking long, deep breaths unlike any breathing I've done in who knows how long. Yess, I am finally relaxed and almost too excited about it to remain so. But wait...too soon, I can feel the water growing colder. I grasp at the feeling of warmth and security that I swear was just surrounding me, but I can tell it's fading. Here is where I am faced with two options: 1. Be thankful of the peace that I was able to experience, however brief, or 2. Become filled with chagrin over that moment of happiness having to end. If I go with option #1, I will leave the bathroom with an uplifted and rejuvenated spirit. If I choose option #2, well then that bath was pointless since I'm still nowhere near being cured of my 'bad spell'. Once again, I need to remind myself that every mood is a conscious choice and I need to pick wisely.
How does this have anything to do with my relationships? If you have already picked up on some of the correlations, then maybe this entry will help you realize a thing or two about your own life as well. I'll explain step by step. First, the water charges out of the faucet with absolute haste. I at least have an idea of the warmth and comfort that will soon embrace me, so I become excited. This is like that "honeymoon phase" of relationships. You're excited, optimistic, and look past any consideration of pumping the brakes. You want that happiness, and you want it now. Next, I go from being cold and uncomfortable to warm and weightless. This is like the "high" that the onset of relationships give. You go from being alone and discontent to feeling loved, appreciated, and revered. What a feeling! This "high" lasts a varied length of time, but just as the water begins to cool, so does the relationship. This is when decisions need to be made. Drain the bath of the cold water and refill it with that warm pleasure? Or watch it slowly drain away, eventually leaving you cold and alone? See where I'm going with this? When that relational spark is no longer as prominent, and the fighting begins, do you work together to re-trigger that spark? Or struggle through the fizzling out that you have concluded to be inevitable? Let's say you go with the latter. Now you're faced with yet another mountainous decision. Will you be appreciative of all that you learned from the experience, and walk away with your head held high? Or will you lock yourself in your apartment and live off of cottage cheese and poorly made chick flicks for a month? The bath, the relationship, was it even worth it in the end?
This whole analogy is kind of silly, but for me it somehow was eye-opening. I don't want to choose and experience those negative events like I outlined. But how does anyone with a deeply feeling heart only make those optimistic decisions? After the bath that led to this entry, the only resolution I ended up making was to write this all out. I think I was hoping therein would finally lie at least one positive resolution that I could work with. So far, nada. I guess I resolved that I want to make those positive decisions--be grateful for the short time the bath did provide comfort, and be appreciative of whatever a relationship teaches me that always leads to self-betterment. But this just doesn't cut it for me. Maybe that's because some of my current relationships are at the watching-the-cold-water-trickle-away-down-the-drain phase, and I am beyond anxious to figure out if it is too late to salvage any last warm drops or not. Can I refill those baths with warm, secure water once more? Or is it about time to make that final decision as I walk away either optimistic or shattered? Maybe my next bath will help me reach an answer.
No comments:
Post a Comment